Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
You Might Also Like
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
#JohnTravolta
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’m not proud
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.