Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
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[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”