@Reverend_Scott Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
@UNDEADTRESOR Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
You Might Also Like
@Reverend_Scott 
@Shade510 Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
@madcaplaughs30 I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
@sweetmomissa My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
@Spaced_Cowboy00 Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
@meantomyself My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
@Book_Krazy Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
@Vice_Queen I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
@ojedge [job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
@Molly_Kats If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom