Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

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Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]


Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.


I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.


My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles


My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’


Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”


I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.


[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”


If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom