Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
You Might Also Like
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors