Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

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If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.


Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.


Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.


Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*


It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.


Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym


ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.


I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.