Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
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If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi