Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
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I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.