Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
*bites zombie*
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Check your privilege
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?