Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”