Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
A dad and his duck
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’