Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
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The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I have many caverns
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*