Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
A ghost story
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back