Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.