Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

choose your gary

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.