@LoveMyScionFRS

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

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@House_Feminist

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

@Z_Mendenhall

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

@OctopusCaveman

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

@TheAlexNevil

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

@AbbyHasIssues

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

@JohnLyonTweets

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

@PezzleStick

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

@Social_Mime

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

@dshack8

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.