Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
nyc:
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.