I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.