just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated