Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My love language is hissing.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
A roof is a house hat.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.