“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again