Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Good morning

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.