just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
You Might Also Like
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism