Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
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Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.