just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
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“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor