just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You Might Also Like
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”