Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
tis the season