Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
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I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
🙅🏻
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*