Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.