Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Ape together strong
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside