Just had my nails done!
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.