Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

pictures of spider-man

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.