Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
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Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
my proudest tweet
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Awwwww shit.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Lucky old June.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.