Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
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I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead