just having fun
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work