Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
This checks out
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.