Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
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Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now