Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.