Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
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Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/