Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Damn what did I do next
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”