Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.