Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Seems legit
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I have two kinds of followers
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs