Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.