Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

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I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.


Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.


My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here


[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”


Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.


“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys


When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.


Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.


Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.