Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
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Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
fair
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.