Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.