Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
LMAO.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.