Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
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Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Lmao the reply
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful