Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.