Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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I was bored.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Pringles
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.