Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery