Just how popey was the pope today?
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Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.