Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
You Might Also Like
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20