Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
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Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Always 🥴
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?