Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
You Might Also Like
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
There’s only one good girl here!
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.