Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men