Just in case to be clear #gbbo
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Worst Native American name ever.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed